So I always have this back and forth with the things that I do, even simple things like writing an email or answering the question “What do you/your company do?” and the biggest reason for it is what some would call fear of rejection but what I would call the fear of failure. The reason I wouldn’t say fear of rejection is because I am generally a loner; I do not get touched by people “rejecting me”. In fact I think my reaction inside is a little more like this:
on a good day but more accurately, my reaction is:
What really happens is that I fear that I will fail to truly articulate myself to the person I am communicating with. Another example is when people ask me to do things, even things I KNOW FOR A FACT I CAN DO IT. This fear (of failure) is kind of like Bruce Banner in my life… starts off really small and before anyone knows it (because it happens in my head) I have the Hulk telling me to rather not try it because then you have no opportunity to fail or better yet I set myself up for failure; I literally make myself failure…
It is really strange actually. It is particularly strange because I can see it happen right in front of me… when I don’t post a blog for a while; when I turn down work; when I meet knew people and they ask me what I do and I say “hmmm, I’m not sure how to answer that”. Imagine not being able to answer what you do, when you do it every day. Then I have moments where I just jump; no time for Bruce Banner to become the Hulk. These are usually the days where I have spent hours watching Youtube videos about the importance of failure on a journey to success.
One of my biggest battles with failure is figuring out when it became such a grim reaper. When you are learning to crawl, walk or even pee in a toilet, adults congratulate you for trying but then somewhere along the line those cheers and encouragements turn to a dark grey cloud that constantly hangs over your head waiting to release a shower of rain and a roar of thunder and lightning. I want to go back to the days where I didn’t fear failure but rather celebrated trying and I guess this post is a part of my process. Another part of my process is watching videos for encouragement and I want to share a few with you:
I hope you enjoy them.